just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
