How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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