if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
