I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize