Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Define "chronic" masturbator.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize