So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
