he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
