I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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