i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
