i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
