I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
