I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
