i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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