I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
