we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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