I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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