i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
