I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
