I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
