If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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