I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He did a backflip because drugs
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
