Already got asked if we're dating
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
