Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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