ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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