; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Please don't give away my fajitas
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
