I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize