Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
zippers are such a cool invention
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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