my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
