I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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