and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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