Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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