You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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