Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
another moral hangover. fuck.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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