my shit smells like andre
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Randomize
