I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
