I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Is it penis luge time yet?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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