I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
