i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
