omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
