I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
