the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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