So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Randomize
