Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
