My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
