My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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