my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
