can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
