I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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