I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
