Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
