My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
