And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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