My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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