My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
