i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
