ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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