oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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