i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
