It's Friday. Sex?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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