The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
