Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
