My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
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