Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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