On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
