he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
