We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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