i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
